If you're tired of refreshing this page every day like a d-bag, you should probably subscribe to the RSS feed.
Welcome to the 3rd and final installment of the ASW 09 wrapup post. Most of you were probably holding your breath for this one, but before it gets out of hand, a little disclaimer. The information in this post is probably all made up, fiction, satire, alleged 2nd hand knowledge, unreliable, and for entertainment purposes only. Also, any events that may or may not have occured outside affiliate summit, such as things that happen at parties, are really in no way related to the show itself. Things can get a little crazy in vegas.
Tame In-Show Drama
It’s always fun to see the interactions between companies that dislike eachother when they’re forced together at a trade show. Last years ASW had Azoogle and Copeac booths located next to eachother which made for some fun times and hilarious promotional materials. Copeac had some great little flyers with an arrow “coincidentally” pointing at the booth next door and saying some fun things about “the competition.” At this ASW, as well as ASE in Boston last year, copeac brought these awesome foam slingshot rockets and had their booth mysteriously within firing range of “the competition.” Some chick at the booth started getting pissed when Nickycakes and his friends rolled up and started grabbing rockets and firing them en masse across the exhibit hall. What did they expect?
Worth mentioning are Toronto rivals CX digital and Azoogle booths being next to eachother this year. Also Frazier from CX and Ryan Sessler from Azoogle look a lot alike.
Also funny was to see the singlesnet.com and match.com booths directly across from eachother. Even more funny was to see so many guys working for dating sites who were so unlikely to…have girlfriends.
Party Drama
Cx Party -
The CX digital party, as mentioned in the last post, was really nice. Their guest list was only affiliates that worked with them and maybe like 1 guest if they were lucky. That’s what made their party so good. No companies trying to pitch them stuff, etc. Nicky spent a few minutes downstairs in the palms hanging out with the cx people as they were checking people in, and they were turning non-invitees away faster than evolution books in a Wasilla library. Somehow, Nate Whitehill, the dude who designs like…john chow and uberaffiliates blogs, got in as someone’s guest. But instead of just staying and enjoying the party, dude starts calling people and telling them to come there and to say they’re his guest. So these people show up, and the cx people are forced to go down 29 floors to tell the douchebags to leave cause they weren’t invited. Honestly guys, things are getting a little rough for you on the party scene when you’re trying to namedrop nate whitehill to get into a party. Just sayin. Pretend to know the dj or something, at least.
Advaliant Mansion Party -
By now, you have hopefully read the full story of the rug adventures at the advaliant mansion party at red rock. Nickycakes had half a post written up about this whole ordeal but had to scrap it when Barman beat him to the punch complete with skillfull photoshops and whatnot. This is probably the funniest story of the whole time in vegas, so go read and enjoy: PPC.BZ MisAdventures: The Rick Flair Rug From the Red Rock Mansion. And big thanks to c0ck (the guy with the rug) for the cuban cohiba. He keeps it real on the cigar tip.
Undisclosed Private Poker Game -
Alright, just to repeat, this is all second hand and probably false info. Anyway, there was this private poker tourney in a suite at one of the bigger hotels in the area. One of the attendees was John Kitover, owner of bannerblindness, which was featured at #2 on nickycakes’ top 10 worst sites 2k8. So John ends up losing the poker tournament early…not surprising. He then proceeds to make this big sales pitch, holding up the game, bragging about how he has 10 employees (lol) and if you need any work done just call him and starts throwing his business cards all over the table like a retard. John then proceeds to disappear into some room with the two hired adult entertainers who happened to be at the poker tournament. 20 minutes later, an extremely drunk kyle irwin becomes irritated that the adult entertainment has left the party, so armed with his camera phone kyle goes on a quest to find the missing strippers. Upon opening a door to one of the rooms, Irwin is greeted by angry yelling followed by John throwing water on him and trying to slam the door in his face. Enraged by the water throwing, irwin proceeds to kick the door open in John’s face a few times before giving up and going back to the party with a hilarious video on his phone. A few minutes later, Barman needs to use the restroom, which is located through the bedroom in question, so he ends up walking in on John sitting with one of the adult entertainers who then asks barman to “spot him $500″ to pay for some undisclosed activity. Barman laughs in his face and basically tells him to go F himself, at which point John proceeds to walk out into the party and start individually begging people for money, including asking the head of one of the biggest affiliate networks to spot him $80. Then, John goes and finds Kyle, who is at this point watching the video with a bunch of other guys and laughing, and buys the memory card from his camera for $100 in a desperate attempt to cover his tracks. Stay classy, Bannerblindness.
Copeac Party -
Later that evening, in another location, Kyle Irwin from the previous story ends up extremely drunk. EXTREMELY drunk. Starts walking around and trash talking pretty much everyone in sight. He ends up spouting racial slurs and threatening the wrong dude and gets punched in the face once and then ejected from the party. Guy doing the punching ends up hero of the party and possibly ASW. Kyle is actually a pretty good guy, usually. Apparently later he was spotted puking between some slot machines. Good times.
That’s It For This Year
Well that’s about all Nickycakes has in him about ASW 09. Now you know what you’re missing if you didn’t go.
Keep it real.
Published by nickycakes //
As many of you know, “fulfillment issues” have been plagueing acai berry diet offers lately which have caused massive acai berry shortages in many south american countries. This is causing thousands of south american farmers to chop down their expensive cocaine plants and plant acai berry trees to fuel the huge demand brought on by stupid, insecure americans and canadians who believe eating some kind of blueberry suppliment will help them lose weight.
As you can see in the before/after pictures below, the same people harvesting cocaine are now growing Acai.
Before:
After:
Just look how much more gangsta they are standing behind their fresh bushels of acai berry. As affiliate marketers you can all keep your heads high and rest easy knowing that you’re doing your part in the war on drugs.
Keep it real.
Published by nickycakes //
How many times have you thought to yourself, “Self, I really wish I could rickroll all those other affiliates who click my ads and spy on my landing pages.” Thats exactly what Nickycakes was thinking yesterday when he wrote Anti-Aff, the latest in affiliate vs. affiliate rickroll technology.
So how does it work? Well, first you install the software on your server, or just use nickycakes’ hosted version. Then you put the tracking pixel in your forum signature on wickedfire, digital point, your affiliate related blog, pretty much any place that you know other affiliates will be viewing. The software will then build a list of everyone who loaded said pixel for future reference.
Now…on your landing page, you put a piece of javascript that goes to the database, sees if that person has viewed your tracking pixel at some point in time, meaning they are likely an affiliate and not a dumb girl who wants to lose weight by drinking green tea, and if so, redirects them to a rickroll.
If you would like to use Nickycakes’ hosted version that already has over 1000 recorded rickroll targets, feel free to put this code on your landing page (depending on your browser you may have to fix the quotes):
<script type=”text/javascript” src=”http://aff.dedicakes.com/hi.php”></script>
Before you load your landing page, make sure you whitelist yourself at the following url:
http://aff.dedicakes.com/whitelist.php
Pretty simple.
If you don’t trust nickycakes’ hosted version, feel free to download the code and install it on your own server:
antiaff
Update: Tobsn was nice enough to completely re-code and optimize this thing making it even more leet. Please download it here.
Keep it real.
Published by nickycakes //
Posted on November 18th, 2008 in Funny, Retards
For those who have been following along with Nickycakes.com for the past year or so if its existence, you’re well familiar with the frequent posts about people, companies, services, etc, who are complete jokes. If you need a refresher course, feel free to read these awesome writeups on Ubercamp, Affspy, Izea Ranks, and Make Money Online Blogs.
Some argue that these kinds of posts only serve to bring more attention to the idiots out there, but Nickycakes feels like he would be doing the industry a huge disservice by not exposing complete douchebags for who they really are.
So who is Ryan Eagle? Honestly, this is one person who doesn’t really need much “exposing” for people to realize he’s a douchebag. The only problem is that he’s pretty much a complete nobody, so not many people have had the opportunity to get lots of laughs at this guy’s expense yet. Thats where the Cakes comes in. Rather than doing a long write-up about why this guy is a retard, Nickycakes is just going to give you a short story and then just present you with a bunch of self-explanitory screenshots and short narration that should paint a decent picture for you.
The story: Ryan Eagle jumped on the weight loss product bandwagon a little late and copied other peoples landing pages to make his own (pretty common these days, and not really the point) and ended up being lucky enough to have his site featured on TMZ for using kim kardashian’s image and name to promote his products. When people made fun of him on wickedfire forums, and exposed him for being a douche, rather than laugh it off like pretty much any normal person would do when made fun of by people on an internet forum, he decided to cry himself to sleep and take things to the next level. At ad:tech ny, the dude [allegedly] walked up to maks67 from wickedfire with his internet marketing gangsta’ swagger, which can also be described as swaying back and forth as much as possible to pretend like you’re swinging a giant non-existant chain around your neck which actually just makes people notice how unnaturally large your head is compared to your bird chest body. Apparently he was upset that maks had poked fun of him on the forums, and, backed up by 2 of his friends, [allegedly] proceeded to talk some sort of trash to him. Maks laughed in the dudes face and walked away, which is to be expected from any level-headed person when presented with such douchebaggery.
After hearing about this later on that evening, Cakes had no choice but to make fun of the kid on wickedfire as well. He was then contacted by Ryan Eagle himself, who asked things along the lines of “why you hatin’, yo” and, “i make a lot of money, just ask AO JON, he’s rich too” (keep in mind aojon…aka jon fisher…owner of wickedfire.. is one of nickycakes’ great personal friends and barely even has any idea who this kid is). After explaining to Mr. Eagle that his best bet was to stop taking the internet so seriously, Cakes was then contacted by one of Ryan’s e-thug friends who also had questions about why Nickycakes was “hatin’” since “you don’t even know me, yo”. They had many inquiries about how much Cakes makes per day, etc…which pretty much anyone with half a brain knows isn’t really disclosed too often, because frankly, it doesn’t matter to anyone but Cakes.
Ok, story pretty much over… now time for Nickycakes to let Ryan Eagle own himself:
This is pretty telling, here’s a pic on the front page of his “blog” where he had someone make a picture of him standing in front of a sparkling car and a giant pile of whats supposed to be money but looks more like green paperback novels, holding a stack of papers, wearing a shiny watch, a…pointer ring… and sporting bull cut more retarded looking than jim carrey in dumb and dumber…
Really,…Hopefully you didn’t pay too much for that, kid.
Here’s one from a blog post where he’s bragging about his awesome new ring and his bling bling watch. Listen…if you’re going to buy a watch with diamonds on it, save up your money and get something nice, not a $500 pile of crap from a girls watch company. Have some self respect man.
Here’s a screenshot from his myspace:
Oh…and…25543 friends? Hopefully you paid someone to add all those people…..
Here’s his pic from his hi5 profile:
And just some random other pictures that are good for a few laughs:
All sortsa stuff wrong with that suit, good lord.
Honestly, Nickycakes couldn’t even make this stuff up if he tried.
Keep it real.
Published by nickycakes //
About a month ago, right before ASE, Nickycakes did a post called 5 Awesome Affiliate Program Rewards You’ll Never See. One said reward was a bathtub full of cash from Advaliant. Here’s a picture:
Well, Nickycakes was wrong. You will see this reward as it just arrived in Cakes’ mailbox today via fedex:
Thanks Peter, Geoff, and the rest. You guys are awesome.
Still waiting on hydra baseball bat, neverblue bedpan, azoogle giant fake check, and cpaempire turbotax evasion.
Keep it real.
Published by nickycakes //
