5 Awesome Affiliate Program Rewards You’ll Never See
Posted on August 6th, 2008 in Affiliate Marketing, Funny
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Recently there has been a lot of competition between the Affiliate Networks trying to 1-up eachother by offering bigger, better, and more expensive rewards for affiliates bringing in top volume. Big screen TV’s, motorcycles, laptops, vacations, ipods, gift cards, and pretty much anything you could think of. There are, however, some awesome affiliate program rewards that you’ll probably never see actually offered by the networks. It’s obvious that they simply aren’t listening to what the affiliates REALLY want, and offering useless booby prizes that the affiliates could just buy with their own commissions.
1. Kneecap Bustin’ Baseball Bat From Hydra Network
Sick of other affiliates stealing your landing pages? Tired of that dick outbidding you for the #1 spot on google? Affiliate manager not giving you the payout you deserve and want to give them a little more “incentive”? Well now you can do it in style with this Hydra Network branded Tanya Harding style Louisville Slugger!
2. Lazy Bedridden Affiliate Bedpan from NeverBlueAds
Affiliates live the good life. Waking up at the crack of noon, working all day in your pajamas. Well, imagine not even having to get out of bed! Keep a minifridge as your bedside table and use this premium bedpan from Neverblue to take care of the rest! Now your bathroom breaks will never be an irritating interruption to your strenuous workday.
3. Tub For Swimming In Your Piles of Money From Advaliant
All that money you have stuffed in your mattress just isn’t being put to good use. Now you can swim in a bathtub full of your hard(ly) earned cash with this jumbo Money Tub from Advaliant!
4. Photoshoppable Super Affiliate Check from Azoogle
Just made your first $100 and interested in starting an awesome super-affiliate blog? Well now you can hop on the bandwagon in style with this easily photoshoppable azoogle ads commission check. Be an “uber” affiliate by faking your stats to get a drooling horde of 3rd world fanbois willing to pay their wife’s dowry for a month of your “private consulting” services. You’ll have thousands of subscribers in days, while at the same time gaining the respect of the other awesome super affiliates in the biz.
5. Affiliate Edition Turbo Tax Evasion Software from CPAEmpire
Forget setting up extra bank accounts in the Caymans. With Turbo Tax Evasion: Affiliate Edition, you don’t even need to liberally apply business expense deductions to your disneyworld vacations. Just upload your receipts and you’ll have more refunds on your hands than the Wu-Yi Tea Complaints department!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Damn that Richter has everything
August 6th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
I’d rather have the toilet lounge from idiocracy than the bedpan, at least then I could watch Ow-My-Balls in the lounge room without having to worry about a toilet break.
August 6th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Man, I really hope I get to meet that “thooper duper” affiliate in person at the ASE next week! One MEEElion dollars sounds like a lot of money. LOL.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:22 am
i need me that tax thing.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:27 am
What about a personal copy of Directtrack so you can run your own CPA network and immediately earn thooper duper commissions off of your zombie affiliates?
August 7th, 2008 at 12:37 am
LOL. Those were really good.
I especially liked the line: “Just upload your receipts and you’ll have more refunds on your hands than the Wu-Yi Tea Complaints department!”
Hahahahahaha.
August 7th, 2008 at 6:20 am
Funny stuff, I personally think the bed pan is great, that way you never need to get up from the computer.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Hahaha
August 7th, 2008 at 10:58 am
“Just upload your receipts and you’ll have more refunds on your hands than the Wu-Yi Tea Complaints department!”
Man i laughed so hard i almost cried…
What about the John Chow bobblehead doll with extra large chicklet teeth from clickbank ?
August 7th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Hilaarrrious.
August 7th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
HAHAHAHA!!!!
That is hilarious dude.
August 7th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Man, I totally want those prizes to stick on my wall.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
if the bat comes with batteries,i’ll take two please…
August 7th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
“more refunds on your hands than the Wu-Yi Tea Complaints department!”
Ahahahhaa classic.
BTW, the uber aff shot is cheap - I’ve learnt valuable stuff from there. I know you’re not a fan, and there was that youtube technique business, but on the whole it’s a good blog imho.
Keep up the jokes n you’ll be laughing all the way to your own [A4D-offered] bank branch.
August 8th, 2008 at 6:13 am
Sorry gab but i think you missed about 95% of the story bud.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
LOL @ the Thooper Dooper affiliate kit in a box. Nice photoshops Nicky or whoever did em. I like how huge those dollar bills are in the bathtub.
August 8th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
thanks dude. yeah thats was the best pile of money i could find on google images on short notice.
August 9th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
This was hilarious.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:32 am
haha very funny, love it
August 14th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Nice Photoshop skills there Cakes! I laughed my ass off when I read this one!
Jeez, what will these networks come up with next? Rumor is Market Leverage has Radio Flyers…..?
August 19th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
LMAO! Fantastic post!
What I REALLY want is Affiliate Networks spending their cash on good support and webmaster tools to help me and the other little guys make the most of the traffic we send them - Although the bed pan is strangely appealing (why oh why is my bathroom the other end of the house to my office!?)and far more so than an ipod